


Sick Lullaby

by laceaesthetic



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining Nico di Angelo, bc.. i projected HARD on him, i feel like this fic is lil problematic but idk, jasico is endgame sorry m8s, nico deals w mental illness, nico might be ooc, pre toa and post boo, rated t for mentions of wanting to die, tell me if i should tag anything else ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 04:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15722262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laceaesthetic/pseuds/laceaesthetic
Summary: Nico takes hold of any shred of happiness with a vice grip. Those moments are fleeting and even if he closes his fists until his nails leave crescent shapes in his palm, they always leave. When they leave he's left with nothing but despair and longing. He waits desperately for the next bubble of hope to arrive. Nico will wait for his entire life if he has to. If he does, he will be rewarded at the end. At least, that's what he tells himself to keep going.When you live moment by moment, the smallest gestures can feel so intense.





	Sick Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> This was made with Mr. Brightside playing in my head repeatedly, sorry in advance.

Something in those blue eyes kills all of Nico’s sense. Jason is pleading with Nico to stay in the camp and when his eyes are so wide open Nico _swears_ he can see clouds in the iris, he just can’t find it in himself to resist. So he doesn’t. He lets himself stare into those eyes like they’re the skies themselves and he lets himself feel _okay._ He lets himself be bedbound for a week as Will nags at his side, waiting for freedom. Waiting for Jason’s hand on his back as he congratulates Nico on his full recovery. Nico waits. Nico will be rewarded.

Will encourages him to hold onto warmth. He says that staying happy will tether him to the world, make him less likely to disappear in a wisp of smoke. Nico doesn’t miss Will’s hand squeezing his knee, he doesn’t miss Will’s too bright smile, doesn’t miss Will leaning towards him, doesn’t miss how Will frowns when Nico says nothing. It makes his skin boil. He’s sure that this burning fury _isn’t_ the warmth that Will wants him to hold onto, but he will keep it anyway. It’s a heat that Nico is all too familiar with. But Jason brings a different warmth to Nico. The good kind of warmth.

Jason holds his shoulder as they walk out of the infirmary, the touch is light and it takes all of Nico’s strength to not burrow into Jason’s chest. He focuses on Jason’s words. He’s rambling about the shrines he wants to build. He’s rambling about stepping down from the praetor position. Jason is rambling and Nico can’t help but to live in the moment. He takes in the rays of sun that cradle him, takes in the spark of electricity that spreads through his arm as Jason continues to hold him, takes in the breeze that cools his neck as it brushes through his hair. Despite leaving the infirmary, Nico isn’t okay, his heart and his mind are scarred beyond ambrosia. But he gives himself this moment to feel okay, every moment with Jason he lets himself feel okay.

The pair comes to a full stop in front of Hades’ cabin. Jason seems hesitant to leave him. More warmth floods into Nico. He knows he’s assuming, but he can’t bring himself to care. Jason turns to stand in front of Nico and gives him a radiating smile. Jason is a painting with a fresh coat of varnish and he can’t bring himself to touch the canvas of his skin like he desires to. It’s not right to. Nico will wait. Nico will be rewarded.

Jason slowly grabs his hands, taking care to not surprise him, and gives Nico the chance to reject the gesture. He doesn’t. He lightly squeezes Nico’s small palms before talking.

“I’m glad you’re staying with me.”

Nico has waited his entire life. Waited to mature during his childhood in Italy. Waited to escape in the Lotus Casino. Waited for love as he chased after Percy Jackson. Waited for a reason to live as he wasted away in the jar. Nico will continue to wait for his entire life. But if waiting means that Jason will still smile at him, if it means that Jason will touch him gently as Nico grows used to affection, then Nico will happily wait forever. Jason’s friendship, his understanding nature, his comforting words, is enough. Jason is Nico’s reward, as selfish as it sounds. Nico will let himself be selfish because he has been selfless every day of his life until this moment.

 

Until the euphoria ends.

Until Nico is woken up by the sun peering into the Hades’ cabin, and not by Jason.

Until Nico nervously walks into the dining hall and sees Piper leaning against Jason as they eat at Zeus’ table.

His arm is thrown over her shoulder and they feverishly share words, animated and alive. Nico feels like a corpse. He drags himself to the Hades table and spares one glance at Jason.

He’s smiling at Nico, waving him over. Piper gives him a shy grin as she sits up straight. The view will make him sick. He tries to think for a moment before Leo joins the picture and sits on the other side of Jason. The blonde turns to Leo and greets him, before looking back at Nico. Sitting at that table will cost all of his dignity. He shakes his head to decline the offer. It’s selfish to refuse simply because he doesn’t like that Jason is taken, but Nico has given enough of himself to others, he can afford to be selfish. He frowns at the plate of hash browns before him. He doesn’t dare look back up.

Nico supposes he should have known that Jason’s presence would all but disappear when he got ‘better.’ But he’s hurt all the same. Nico has waited his entire life to feel okay. Today will not be that day. Tomorrow will not be the day. That day is much farther than he thinks. Nico instinctually decides that it is better to feel anger than to feel nothing. Suddenly, the warmth in his heart for Jason has turned to ice and his fingertips go numb from the cold in his soul.

He grows reckless in spars. He ends up in the infirmary far more times than was ever necessary. Each visit brings Jason back, the blonde lecturing Nico incessantly. Still, his arms are soft against Nico’s sides as he makes Nico promise to be more careful the next time. But Jason always leaves Nico at the steps of the Hades’ cabin, and the ice in Nico spreads.

The trips bring Solace as well. They bring his wide eyes and the shake of his curls as he voices his disapproval. They bring Will’s hand on his body, on his face, in his hair. It makes Nico feel awful. It makes Nico feel disgusting. But he has never known anything positive. So he lets himself feel awful. The rage that builds in him melts the ice that Jason has left. It fills his lungs with water and leaves him desperately scrubbing at his tongue in the mornings to get rid of the taste of salt.

His next visit to the infirmary, he lets Will prod and pry to his heart’s content. He doesn’t miss the small smile on Will’s face as he lets his hand be held. Will says his usual spiel as he delicately turns Nico’s hands in his. He’s long since stopped paying attention, instead, he takes to looking at the freckles on Will’s cheeks. They infuriate him. Will is the epitome of healthy and happy and Nico is a crushed up ball of disease and self-hatred. Will is good-looking and Nico still looks like he’s been living on the streets for years. Will is so many good things and Nico is so many awful things. But Will is taking an interest in him. _Like Jason,_ a voice says in his mind. He hates that voice.

Will is not Jason. Everything about him is wrong. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it will let him forget the pain he feels when he sees Piper. Maybe he can move on with his life. If visiting the doctor isn’t enough to help Nico, maybe he should date the doctor. Nico thinks that in another life, he could learn to love Will. But he’s stuck in this life. So he steels himself to accept Will’s affection against the twisting of his own insides. Nico can't bring himself to love Will, but knowing that someone loves him is better than waiting for someone who never will.

That visit, Jason is still at the door of the infirmary but his eyes flit to where Will’s hand envelop Nico’s waist. He says nothing. But when he walks Nico back, his hand is on Nico’s back. Still guiding, but cautious. He says goodbye to Nico and doesn’t wait for Nico to close the door of the Hades’ cabin to start walking away.

Two days later, he’s in the infirmary again after a spar with Clarisse.

When he’s discharged, Jason isn’t there to guide him back to his cabin.

The ice grows.

Will whispers something in his ear and the fury that it brings him melts the ice.

Nico’s drowning.

Nico will let himself drown until his lungs collapse and he goes back to the underworld where he belongs.

Except that never happens.

Nico’s forced to walk around coughing up salt water and cursing his miserable existence.

He’s forced to sit in the grass and stare at Will.

Just stare at him, and notice all the faults in him. Though, they’re not truly faults. They’re differences. They’re all the little ways that Will doesn’t match up with Jason. They’re all the ways that Will infuriates him. Will infuriates Nico because he’s not Jason and yet, he’s doing all the things he wanted Jason to do. He’s not Jason but he still gives Nico kisses on the cheek. He’s not Jason but he still walks Nico to his cabin after a bad injury. He’s not Jason but he still wraps Nico in his arms and tells him he’s loved. Nico doesn’t believe a word he says. He stares at Will and finds all the faults in him.

His hair is yellow like cornfields during a successful harvest season. Jason’s was golden like the rays of the sun.

His eyes are navy like the murky depths of the oceans where sea life thrives. Jason’s were azure like the vast expanse of the sky.

His skin is tanned and unmarred like a fine wooden table. Jason’s was pale and littered with scars of battle, a statue carved in the image of the greatest warriors the Earth has ever known.

He’s not Jason. He never will be.

Nico lets the fact consume him and lets the subsequent tide wash over him.

That’s when his lungs give up the fight.

Will leaves the clearing, but Nico stays under the guise of wanting more sun. Rather, he wants to stay here for the rest of eternity, because he can’t find the energy within himself to move. He can’t bring himself to do anything ever again. Nico will never have Jason, and that is the last strand for him. He dozes off at the clearing and secretly hopes that he never wakes up.

 

Of course, he wakes up. It was expected.

What was not expected was Jason standing over him as he blinks himself awake.

The sky has darkened since he fell asleep, but the last rays of the day are still peering through, meaning he was asleep for hours. Nico finds himself wishing for sleep to call him again as Jason sits down next to him. He looks over at Jason, and Jason is giving him a soft smile and it almost rips Nico apart. Nico knows he doesn’t deserve this but he can’t bring himself to push Jason away.

Jason’s staring at the sky, deep in thought, before he says anything.

“I feel like we’re a lot more distant nowadays.”

Nico cautiously looks at Jason, waiting for the angered expression to mar his face. It never comes. Instead, Jason has a sweet smile on him as he continues.

“Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. But I do want to make an effort to keep being your friend.” He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I broke up with Piper. I thought about telling Leo first, but since he’s both of our friends it might be awkward. And then I realized that Piper and I shared _all_ of our friends. Except you. You’re all mine.”

There’s a giggle in his voice when he says that, he’s just teasing him, but Nico can’t help how his heart jumps at the phrase. Nico is drowning, but he’s found a reason to breathe.

The next hour is spent asking questions in hushed tones and squeezing each other’s shoulders as they catch up.

“So, you and Will?”

There’s only genuine curiosity in his tone, it makes Nico’s face pucker as if he ate a lemon. He decides to answer as honestly as he can.

“I wanted it to heal me. It didn’t. I don’t think it’ll last long.”

“You should break up with him soon.”

The statement fills Nico’s lungs with air and he nods absentmindedly. He notices that it has turned pitch black during their conversation. They’ve missed the bonfire. Neither of them cares enough to mention it. When they head back to their cabins their sides brush against each other and Jason plays with the ends of Nico’s hair. Nico’s been meaning to cut it, but he supposes it can wait.

 

The next morning, Will senses that something’s wrong. He’s less touchy and keeps dancing around Nico as if he’ll explode if jostled. Nico couldn’t care less about what precautions Will wants to take around him. He couldn’t care less about Will. He lets Will go about his routine and beat around the bush until Will says words Nico never wants to hear.

“Are you okay?”

Nico gains a sense of clarity at that moment and a surge of courage.

“This isn’t going to work out.”

Nico doesn’t want to remember what happened after those words, so he doesn’t. He lets the moment be a blur in his mind. Static on a TV. They’re over. That’s all that matters. The water in his lungs is gone, but tears fill his eyes. He stops sparring with others, he stops going to the infirmary. Nico accepts the fact that he’s actively ignoring Will. He can’t bring himself to care about how it must look.

Jason is there through it all. He strokes Nico’s hair when Nico can’t fall asleep. He talks for hours when Nico doesn’t want to hear his own thoughts. He is there through all of it and he is there for weeks. Nico can’t thank him enough, and Jason can’t reject his thanks enough.

Nico has waited his entire life. Nico has waited and Nico has been rewarded.

He’s not happy. Not by a longshot. But things are better and the future is bright.

 

It’s months later when they’re sitting on Nico’s bed in quiet comfort. Jason’s tracing circles on Nico’s hands as he drifts between sleep and consciousness.

“Do you think you’ll ever learn to love again?”

The question is unexpected and shocks Nico. He looks over at Jason and takes note of all his perfections. He takes note of the curl of his blond lashes, he takes note of the curve of his neck as Jason stares up at the ceiling with him. Nico takes note of everything he loves about Jason and answers.

“I think I already have.”

Jason looks back at him, his blue eyes blown wide open in confusion. In a rush of boldness, Nico leans toward Jason and cusps his cheek. He closes his eyes and takes a shuddering breath.

“Actually, I think I never loved Will.”

He can feel the heat rush to Jason’s cheeks. He feels his own heart thrum against his chest, screaming to be let out. He opens his eyes again and Jason is staring at him, his eyes are unreadable and Nico feels exposed. He wants to pull away and forget that this happened but he doesn’t. Nico is frozen. He’s burning. He’s been shocked by electricity. Nico feels so much he can’t decide which way he will die. And then Jason opens his mouth.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t want this.”

And he closes the gap between their lips.

Nico doesn’t tell him to stop.

Nico has waited all his life to feel at peace. Slowly but surely, piece by piece, Nico is being rewarded.

Nico is not okay. Nico is not perfect. Not by a longshot. But things are _so much brighter_ and Nico finds himself ready to face tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Check me out at other sites!  
> Twitter: laceaesthetic  
> Tumblr: stareyeshowell


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